Another season of Bachelor in Paradise draws to a close on Monday night, and with it ends the grueling obligation to spend three hours a week watching sweaty singles dry hump and cry (not necessarily in that order). Last season I described the Bachelor/Bachelorette spin-off as “an all-star league populated by some of the franchise’s most afflicted [as in mentally/emotionally unstable] former contestants.” That wasn’t quite as true this season. Both of the Ashleys are totally unhinged and, frankly, Joe seems like he’d hit a woman, but there was also a healthy helping of snoozy monogamists who did well at maintaining a facade of sanity, like Carly (ugh), Kirk (zzzz), Jade (*crickets*), and Tanner (phsllllsheleshh).
Both people have to agree to end a relationship. Remember the Seinfeld episode when George’s girlfriend wouldn’t let him break up with her because it’s like “launching missiles from a submarine—both of us have to turn the key”? That’s basically how everyone on this show behaves. Oh, and showing interest in a person at any point constitutes “leading that person on.” So, Samantha texted and made out with Joe and then realized that she didn’t want to date him forever because he’s a shallow, angry, horrible person. What a fucking tease, right?
