Q I’ve heard your calls for bisexuals to come out to their friends and family, and I think it’s a great idea. Here’s my conundrum: I’m not sure I technically classify as “bisexual.” I’m a 40-year-old guy who strongly prefers sex with women to men (percentagewise I’m 70/30). I’ve had sex with dudes in the past (five or six times) and loved it, though I’ve never had the same emotional attachment and attraction that I’ve had with women. Most people seem to think that bisexuals are equally attracted to both genders—sexually and emotionally—as if they could decide by flipping a coin. So am I bisexual, or just a juicy boner hobbyist? —Just Understanding Identity Causing Erotic Delirium
I’ve been accused of “blaming the victim” when I make this point. That’s absurd. I’m not blaming bisexuals for biphobia any more than I’m blaming gay people for homophobia. But biphobia will continue to thrive so long as the majority of bisexuals remain closeted. That’s just a fact. I’ve also been accused of being biphobic for making this point. That’s just nuts. (“That guy hates bisexual people so much, he wants there to be way more of them!”)
So if identifying as bisexual feels dishonest—since many folks will assume it means you’re open to a relationship with a man—go ahead and say you’re “bi but heteroamorous,” and rest assured that you’re not the only bi guy like you out there.
But the way your boyfriend wants to hook up—with people he knows—discomforts you, most likely because his hookup preferences seem more threatening. A known-and-familiar hookup could easily turn into a relationship, right? True enough, GBP, but the gay world is filled with loving couples who met during unknown and unfamiliar hookups—there’s no guarantee that you won’t meet and fall in love with someone else, either.
