Q: I’m confused about my sexuality. For many years, I thought I preferred heteroromantic asexual relationships. Exposure to select reading material—thanks to my gender-studies classes—has me convinced I’m an asexual T-type (i.e., “top,” but I prefer not to use such connotative terms) female who is attracted to slight and feminine men. I do not want to take off my clothes or engage in oral, anal, digital, or vaginal sex. Instead, I want to design sexual situations that comely young gentlemen will consensually enter: restraints, CBT, whippings, play piercings, fisting. To make matters worse, I’ve never been in a sexual situation or romantic relationship. I am 23 years old. Extremely low self-esteem and a lack of trust in other people—especially men who are attracted to women—prevented me from reaching out to others, let alone informing a potential partner about my unusual interests. Fortunately, extensive therapy sessions have improved my self-image and willingness to take risks. Developing a romantic friendship with a potential partner is essential. I doubt I will have much luck on the Internet or at munches given that so many men doubt the existence of exclusively T-type females. I also don’t fit or wish to fit the stereotypical Bettie Page–esque image of a T-type female. Dressing up in PVC and playing Mistress is not my thing. Do you have any recommended how-to guides or communities for T-type females? —Beyond Envisioning Any Solutions T-type
There’s another type of person in those kinky places/spaces you need to meet: mentors. It’s particularly important for someone with your interests—CBT, whippings, piercings, and fisting are not JV kinks—to meet, speak with, and be mentored by knowledgeable players. These are varsity-level kinks—they are skill sets that take time to acquire. You’re going to need instruction from people with experience before you start torturing a guy’s balls or sticking (clean and sterile) needles through the head of his cock or his nipples, BEAST, as you could do serious and lasting damage to someone if you’re winging it. Munches are your best bet for meeting the players and educators in your area who take mentorship seriously. Be open about who you are (an asexual T-type female/dominant woman), your ideal partners (slight and feminine sub guys who are into SM, not sex), and your experience level (nonexistent). Ask about classes, don’t do anyone/anything that makes you uncomfortable, and do the reading. (Check out Greenery Press for titles on female dominance, CBT, flogging, and other varsity kinks.)
A: You told your last girlfriend about your kink, JAY, and you can tell your next girlfriend about it. Act like it’s no big deal—”I have a thing for feet”—because . . . it’s no big deal. But if you’re too shy to say anything, or you’re afraid of being dumped by a girl who’s a foot-fetish-phobe (you should be in a hurry for those girls to dump you), there’s only one way to find out if you can perform vanilla activities with a new girl: give it a try.
