Q: My husband and I are currently separated on a trial basis. He took all our condoms when he moved out, and I want to ask him if he plans on having sex with other women. I don’t have any intention of sleeping with other people while separated, but I think he may be interested in doing so, in part since we have been sexually active only with each other and he is trying to “find himself.” If either of us were to have extramarital sex without the consent of the other, I would consider that cheating. We’ve also been having sex with each other throughout our separation. But my husband refuses to discuss this aspect of our separation. He will discuss only coparenting or financial issues. I would be okay with him having casual sex but not a romantic sexual relationship. —Wondering if Fidelity Enforceable
A: Demisexuals are real people who “do not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional bond,” according to the definition at Asexuality.org. We used to call people who needed to feel a strong emotional bond before wanting to fuck someone people who, you know, needed to feel a strong emotional bond before wanting to fuck someone. But a seven-syllable, clinical-sounding term that prospective partners need to google—demisexuality—is obviously far superior to a short, explanatory sentence that doesn’t require internet access to understand.
Orenstein’s book—required reading for parents of girls and boys—drives home the need for comprehensive sex-education programs emphasizing the giving and receiving of pleasure. In the absence of sex-ed programs that empower girls to see themselves not just as instruments of another’s pleasure but as autonomous individuals with a right to experience sexual pleasure—with a partner or on their own—girls wind up having a lot of consensual but crappy sex.
As for good, sex-positive resources for teens of all identities and orientations, Orenstein had some great recommendations.
