Q: I’ve been reading your column for a while, and you always advise kinky people to go seek the same within the kink community. But in my experience, the kink community is very “sex right away, get to know you later”-oriented. So I have two questions. First, as someone who’s a bit of an old-fashioned romantic, is there somewhere I can go to find sexually compatible people who are willing to let me get to know them before we fuck? And second, it’s very difficult for me to come in vanilla situations, which has caused some awkwardness in the past. My fetish is intense CBT (cock and ball torture), it’s pretty specific, and in my (admittedly limited) experience, most guys aren’t very willing to let me inflict that kind of pain. Seeing as I’m probably not going to stop dating people from the general pool (shy 24-year-old cub, not into hookups—I take what I can get), do you have any advice for making conventional sex a little better for me? —Horny in SanFran, Bitching About Lacking Love Scene
I’m going to quickly answer your main question, HISBALLS, and then let Roger give you some advice that might actually be useful: hard-core kinksters—kinksters who find it difficult to come in vanilla situations—make conventional sex a little better by entertaining fantasies about their kinks.
A quick programming note about CBT: You can really hurt someone—you can really damage someone—if you attempt CBT without knowing what you’re doing. That’s why Roger produced a series of instructional videos for men who are curious about CBT. Look for videos number 59, 60, and 62 at shotgunvideo.com, a series of lectures/demos.
CONFIDENTIAL TO AMERICAN WOMEN: Did you watch the big GOP debate last week? Scott Walker said that he supports a ban on abortion with no exception to save the life of the pregnant woman, and Marco Rubio said that women impregnated by rapists should not be allowed to get abortions—and not one of the other eight men onstage objected, not even the one supposedly pro-choice candidate. That would be George Pataki, the “pro-choice Republican” who bragged about defunding Planned Parenthood when he was governor of New York.
