Q I’m a boring person by your column’s standards in that I’ve always identified as a straight male into typical relationships. I’ve realized, after multiple long-term relationships that were unsatisfying, that monogamy isn’t for me. I would like to have a main, fulfilling, and committed relationship without limiting myself sexually or emotionally. I’ve struggled to remain faithful in the past and don’t want to cheat on anyone. I just want the rules to fit me so that I don’t have to be considered a cheater. Do you think this detail is something I should disclose to my family and friends? I don’t want to cause unnecessary awkwardness, but I also want people to love and accept me for who I am. I feel like this is an issue that activism isn’t addressing, and while polyamory seems to be more common today than in the past, I don’t see anyone who is publicly “out,” as is the case with most of the queer community. I’m also not too deeply involved with that community, so maybe I just don’t see the activism happening. —Pondering Over Life’s Yearnings
And a word about those successful poly relationships: just like successful monogamous relationships, poly relationships have limits—both sexual and emotional. But instead of coming to an agreement with one partner about those limits, you have to hammer out agreements with two or more. So when you say you want to be poly so that the “rules fit you,” POLY, you better be using the plural “you” and not the singular. “Poly may not be easier to maintain,” said Adams. “Poly works for emotional ninjas who possess tremendous emotional awareness and communication skills to create their own agreements with their partner(s).”
After Elliot Rodger decided to murder the women who had rejected him—women he felt entitled to, per his deranged and misogynistic “manifesto”—millions of women began tweeting under #YesAllWomen about the sexism, sexual violence, and misogyny they experience. When some men began responding to those tweets with variations on “We’re not all like that!” the #NotAllMen hashtag was born, OSW, and it was a critique. As Phil Plait wrote at Slate: “Why is it not helpful to say ‘Not all men are like that’? For lots of reasons. For one, women know this. They already know not every man is a rapist, or a murderer, or violent. They don’t need you to tell them. . . . Instead of being defensive and distracting from the topic at hand [misogyny, sexism, violence], try staying quiet for a while and actually listening to what the thousands upon thousands of women discussing this are saying.”
