Q: I’m a straight 26-year-old man who wants advice on helping my fiancee realize a particular fantasy. We have been dating for three years and are in a happy monogamous relationship. I was always vanilla, but she enjoys rougher sex and light bondage. We’ve incorporated some of this into our sex lives, and we are both happy with how fun it is. She has expressed interest in a rape fantasy. Both of us want to be safe when we do this, and we trust each other completely. But I cannot think of a way in which she can get the experience she desires while still maintaining a safe dynamic. I am wondering if you have advice on how I can help act out her fantasy in a way that we both have fun. —Seeking Erotic Advice Now
You might be one of those people, SEAN. You seem to be under the impression that there’s something inherently more dangerous about realizing/role-playing your way through a forced-sex scenario. And it may be more dangerous and/or triggering on an emotional level—talking through any past traumas or fears will be important—but slapping the label “rape fantasy” on rough(er) sex shouldn’t result in you having some sort of out-of-body experience that leads you to go apeshit on your helpless fiancee. Talk things through in advance, just like you have before, agree on a safe word—a word that stops the action cold should either of you utter it—and take it slow the first few times you go for it.
So what did happen to you, BARF? You found some cuckold porn online, and your dick said: “DUDE. THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR. RUN WITH THIS.” Your particular kink was already in there somewhere, already rattling around in your erotic subconscious, but you couldn’t articulate it—it didn’t take shape—until you finally “stumbled over” the images and narratives you were looking for all along. And your kink, like the kinks of so many other people (see SEAN’s fiancee, above), seems to be grounded in insecurity and fear—you’re the jealous type, you fear being cheated on, and your erotic imagination/reptile brain took your fears and spun them into a kink. Congrats.
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