Q: I am a straight, married, 38-year-old woman. My husband and I have two children. I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for six. Three years after we were married, we found out that he was HIV positive. We had both had multiple tests throughout our relationship because of physicals and the process we went through to get pregnant. Both of us were negative then, but only I am now. Needless to say, he was infected as a result of him cheating. We worked through that and remained married.
A: Where to start?” asked Peter Staley, the legendary AIDS activist, founding director of the Treatment Action Group, and longtime board member of the American Foundation for AIDS Research. “I’ll leave the relationship issues to you, Dan, but isn’t the level of distrust here the most toxic part of the story?”
“I stand with every public health organization, including UNAIDS and the World Health Organization, in abhorring HIV criminalization laws like the one STATUS cites,” said Staley. “We already have laws on the books that can adequately deal with someone who knowingly and intentionally transmits HIV to someone else. Adding additional laws around HIV disclosure, especially when no transmission occurs, ends up causing more harm than good. Stigma rises. Fewer people disclose. Jilted partners use the laws to lash out.”
You could, however, speak to your ex as a friend—a creepy friend who cyberstalks him, but still a friend. You could urge him to accept that, even if he isn’t bi, he needs to own up to not being entirely straight, either. If he’s going to engage in risky sex practices with men—though you don’t know that he’s doing that (he could be using condoms correctly and consistently)—heshould talk to his doctor about getting on PrEP, aka preexposure prophylaxis, aka Truvada. Then, having said your piece, you can butt the fuck out his life with a clear conscience. v
