QFour years ago, I met a man on a “married but looking” website. We exchanged fantasies, which included wanting to have threesomes and a D/s relationship. He was 19 years my senior. I was 42 at the time. For three years, we met twice a week for drinks or sex. The sex was amazing. We had several threesomes. One year ago, we separated from our spouses. We have lived together now for four months. It isn’t what I imagined: the merging of kids and dogs, a D/s relationship turning vanilla. And due to some health issues, he can perform only once a week. And now the real problem: His desire to bring another woman into our relationship borders on obsession. He searches daily on several websites for that “elusive woman” to become “our friend and lover.” I have access to the accounts, and his chats are pretty straightforward: he truly seems to be searching for a woman for a regular threesome. The problem is that I’m questioning whether I want another woman in our life. I have this fervent wish that he not find someone. So do I sit back and hope, or should I tell him that I’m not interested in threesomes anymore? I’m afraid that if he finds someone, my jealousy—which I work very hard to hide from him—will break us up. I’m almost getting obsessed myself, checking the sites and his chats constantly. It’s bordering on the ridiculous. What should I do? —Just Wants to Be Monogamous
It’s the same conversation either way, JWTBM: You’re gonna have to tell him you’re not interested. The only question is when.
ABeing poly means being open to or being in more than one romantic relationship, and what you’ve described sounds pretty poly to me. Perhaps it’s the triad designation that makes your partner uncomfortable. That particular label implies that you’re all equal partners—not just equally attracted to each other and in love with each other (which three people rarely are), but equals on the emotional, social, and financial fronts as well, i.e., equally obligated to one another. Your partner may regard his best friend as fun to have around but not an equal partner, and not someone he is responsible to/for in the same way you two are responsible for each other.
I think you’re confused, NNP, and your confusion stems from the fact that your partner is negotiating with you about her nonnegotiable terms. She’s going to do who and what she wants whether you like it or not, and she’s going to hide behind “postmononormative” labels and claims that conversations were misinterpreted if that’s what it takes. Accept her terms or divorce her ass, but stop deluding yourself.
