Q: My husband is nearly 20 years older than me, which was never an issue early in our relationship. However, for approximately the last eight years, we have not been able to have fulfilling sex because my husband can’t keep an erection for more than a few thrusts. I love my husband and I am committed to our family, but I miss full PIV sex. I’m still fairly young and I enjoy sex, but I feel like I am mourning the death of my sex life. I miss the intimate connection and powerful feeling of sex with a man. My husband tries to please me, but oral sex is just OK, and toys don’t have the same effect. We have tried Viagra a few times, but it gave him a terrible headache. I try to brush it off because I don’t want to embarrass him. I am curious about casual relationships, but I fear they wouldn’t stay casual. Also, I would feel guilty being with another man even though my husband said I could do it one time. On one hand, I feel like I should be able to have a fulfilling sex life. But on the other hand, I don’t want to be a cheater. —Now on to Having Awkwardly Realistic Discussions
Back to you, NOTHARD: My first reaction to your letter was “You’ve got your husband’s OK to fuck some other dude—go for it.” Then I reread your letter and thought, “Wait, this could be a test and a trap.” You say you’ve brushed off the issue to spare your husband’s feelings, but he may sense it’s an issue and, consciously or subconsciously, this is his way of finding out. If you take him up on his offer “one time,” and you make the mistake of being honest with him about it, he may be just as devastated as my friend was.
Q: I am a 30-year-old woman with some sexual hang-ups I’d like to get past for the sake of my husband. When I was 14, I was in a relationship with a guy who wasn’t nice to me. One particular incident sticks in my mind: He pulled my hair and tried to force my head down while I was saying no and trying to get away. He shoved me and called me a prude. Another time, he convinced me to let him go down on me (I finally agreed) but then bit me. I eventually broke up with him after spending too much time putting up with the crap. For a long time, I hated oral sex and freaked out at any sexual interaction. I had a great college boyfriend who always asked “Is this OK?” and was generally very attuned to any “no” signals I gave, which was a turn-on for me. I got over my past crappy experiences. My husband is all about what gives us both pleasure, but he has always been up-front about being interested in some (tame) kinky stuff. I am still turned on by “Is this OK?” and eye contact during sex, but any time we try to do anything even a little off the wall—me tied up, blindfolds, etc—my ears start ringing and I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m trying to find a way to spice things up and fulfill my husband’s desires, and I cannot find a way around it. How do we move past “just” vanilla? —Reconsidering Otherwise Unlikely GGG Habits
